Friday, 31 August 2012

Caped Conversations: Batman and Robin Have "The Talk"

Batman: Tim, can you come in here for a second? I need to speak with you.
Robin: Sure, is everything ok?
Batman: Yes, yes everything’s fine. It’s just that I’ve noticed that you and that Stephanie girl have been seeing each other for a little while now and I think it’s time we had “the talk”.
Robin: Wow! Bruce, thanks and all but I’ve already had the sex talk. Like 4 years ag….
Batman: Look! This is kind of awkward for me so I’d appreciate it if you just let me power through it.
Robin: It’s really not necessary..
Batman: So when a superhero and a girl love each other very much then sometimes something special will happen…
Robin: I’m a child-genius. I know what sex is!.
Batman: So you’re aware of the potential consequences of you and that young lady making love?
Robin: YES! I know all about pregnancy.
Batman: No, I meant the thing about her inevitably getting murdered.
Robin: Of cours….Wait! Hang on! What?
Batman: After you guys have sex she’ll probably die
Robin: Bruce…Did anyone have the sex talk with you? I mean, I know your parents died when you were a kid and all but I thought that Alfred would have…..Look! Sex doesn’t kill people!
Batman: Of course it doesn't, but when a superhero makes love with a woman she is usually immediately murdered by one of his many enemies.
Robin: What? That can’t be true.
Batman: Well they don’t always die I suppose. Some of them turn evil.
Robin: This is your idea of a joke isn’t it?
Batman: Look, Aqualad's girlfriend? Dead! Elastic Man’s wife? Dead! Flash's wife? Dead! or erased from the timestream or some bullshit! Green Lantern’s girlfriend? Dead!
Robin: Wait. Which Green Lantern?
Batman: Pick one! It doesn’t matter.
Status of GL's wives and girlfriends (from left to right): Dead, Dead, Evil, Dead (twice!), Dead.

Robin: What about Superman’s wife? They’ve been married ages and she’s still alive.
Batman: Yeah, no thanks to her. If that clumsy cow falls out of another helicopter or gets abducted again I think Supes is just going to leave her to it. Just let Darwinism take it’s course you know?
Robin: I don’t believe this!
Batman: No, really. Metropolis’ kidnapping statistics are worse than Columbia’s because of her.
Robin: So anyone I ever have sex with will die?
Batman: Pretty much. Why do you think I gave you such a stupid costume? I hoped it would drive the girls away.
Robin: I knew it!

For more Caped Conversations check out:

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Caped Conversations: Robin's costume.

Robin: Hey Bruce…can we talk for a second?
Batman: Can it wait? The Calculator has hijacked the diamond exchange.
Robin: Bruce. It’s the fucking Calculator. We can take our time. Hell! Send Alfred!
Batman: Yeah fair enough. What did you want to talk about?
Robin: Well, I just wanted to ask about my costume.
Batman: What about it?
Robin: You designed it right?
Batman: Yes. I based it on your old “Flying Graysons” gymnast’s outfit.
Robin: Right....and at any point when designing a uniform for a 12 yr old to go up against armed criminals in did you think ‘Hmm. Maybe a bright red and yellow leotard isn’t the best choice’.
Batman: No… I mean, I thought you’d want to wear it.
Robin: You thought that I’d want to wear a constant reminder of my family’s grisly death?
Batman: Well, I do.
Robin: Yeah but at least your fucked-up death tribute is an armour-plated, ninja exo-skeleton.
Batman: Robin. Your suit is weaved from an advanced Kevlar/Carbon-Fibre polymer. It't fire-proof, stab-proof and it can stop a hollow-point at 15 feet.
Robin: It had fucking better! It’s bright red, green and yellow. I draw more gunfire than a Judge Dredd artist! And what about the large parts of me that aren’t covered by the suit?
Batman:…This is about the short shorts again isn’t it?
Although, to be fair, his quads look like they could deflect bullets on their own

Robin: You’re damn right it’s about the short shorts! Why can’t I just wear pants like…literally every other superhero!
Batman: We’ve talked about this. The shorts serve a very important purpose. When criminals look at you they see a small child in an, admittedly ludicrous, pair of neon green short shorts and not the highly trained crimefighter that you are. They underestimate you and so you always have the upper hand.
Robin: That is true.
Batman: See, I told you…
Robin: In fact. They’re usually so busy pissing themselves laughing at me that they can’t even defend themselves.
Batman: This crusade is not about our own personal pride my young comrade. If we have to be objects of ridicule in order to protect the citizens of Gotham then so be it
Robin: Yeah but you get to say that wearing pants!
Batman: Look at it this way. Ever since you started patrolling in that outfit we haven’t even had to hunt down child-molesters. They’ve been queuing up to get arrested by you.
Robin:  You’re such an asshole!