Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Zeus is a Huge Pervert.

Mount Olympus - 750 BC
Ares: Hey Zeus! Where are you off to?
Zeus:  OK. Keep it quiet but I'm about to head down to earth to have sex with a mortal.
Ares: Nice! You want me to tell Hera you're working late agai.....Hang on!? What are you doing?
Zeus: Transforming into a swan. What does it look like?
Ares: A swan? I thought you were going to have sex with a mortal woman.
Zeus: I am. Just as a swan.
Ares: Why not just become a human? How would the Swan thing even work anyway? The differences in physiology alone would...
Zeus: Do not dare question the King of the Gods!
Ares: Jesus! Ok. calm down!
Zeus: Who's Jesus?
Ares: Never mind

'Maybe if I put my wing...here, and then my neck...here? Fuck! I did not think this through.'



Some Years Later
Zeus: Hey Ares check this out. I'm totally about to get with this Europa chick!
Ares: Europa? Oh man! She's pretty hot! Have you decided how you're going to play it? Maybe appear in a bolt of lightning? Or assume the form of her husband?
Zeus: Nah man. Listen to this. I'm going to transform into a bull and trick her into riding on my back for a while. Then when she least expects it I'll carry her away from her loved ones and have my way with her.
Ares: .....
Zeus: What?
Ares: Look, I guess I'm just confused as to why you're going through all the shapeshifting bullshit in the first place.
Zeus: Well what else am I going to do?
Ares: Just be yourself. Appear before her and say 'Hi. I'm Zeus, the all-powerful, omniscient Father of the Gods and I'd really like to buy you drink sometime. Bear in mind that if you say no I'm going to smite you with lightning.'
Zeus: Nah. I think I'm going to stick with the bull thing.  Oh what!? Don't give me that look!
Ares: Have you ever even seen a bull? You'll tear her in fucking half!
Zeus: Why do you always have to ruin everything? Are you the God of War or the God of Cockblocking? 
Ares: Whatever dude! Enjoy the beastiality.


In fairness though. What sort of person climbs onto a bull's back and expects things to end well?

Later Again

Ares: So we're agreed?
Zeus: Yes.
Ares: No more weird animal sex
Zeus: I told you! That was just a phase! Things were rough at home. I was under a lot of stress.
Ares: OK. So what's the plan for tonight.
Zeus: I'm meeting up with this girl  called Danaë. Seems pretty nice. She's really into the whole 'omnipotent deity' thing.
Ares: Cool. And your definitely not going to transform into an animal this time?
Zeus: I swear to me that I'm not going to shapeshift...into an animal.
Ares: That's a relief. So what do you guys have planned?
Zeus: We're just going to meet up for a drink, talk for a bit, maybe go for a walk.... and then I'm going to transformintoagoldenshowerandraindownuponher.
Ares: What was that?
Zeus: I said we're going to get a drink. Just an amphora of wine or two to get her in the mood.
Ares: Yeah I got that. What was the last part?
Zeus: Oh you know.... I'm going to change into a golden shower and pour myself all over her.
Ares: You're disgusting.

Zeus was apparently the God of disturbing niche fetish porn.


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2 comments:

  1. Thank you. As an English Major your banter between Zeus and Ares made my day. Funny as hell.

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