Thursday, 25 August 2011

The Micheal Bay Method of Filmmaking


Welcome to ‘Making a Terrible Sequel with Micheal Bay’.
Fucking up a film with the basic premise of ‘Giant robots that can turn into sports cars punch each other for 2 hours and also there is Megan Fox’ is a difficult task so you’ll need to pay close attention. Before we start you’re going to need a few things.
  • A 200 Million dollar budget
  • Cocaine
  • A beloved cartoon/toy franchise that you have no shame in destroying
  • Cocaine
  • Some fairly unlikeable actors
  • Cocaine
  • Enough explosives to remodel Canada
  • Cocaine
  • A God complex
  • Just...so much cocaine.

That chair he's sitting on is made entirely out of cocaine.
Once you have all of this it’s time to start shitting on some childhood memories.
Step 1: Preparation.
First of all you’re going to want to get a mound of cocaine about the size of a toddler and just snort that shit. Repeat this step until you’re convinced that you are a creative genius, a great director, and quite possibly a wizard.
Step 2: Plot.
Screenwriters are expensive and plot is just another word for ‘homosexual’ so it’s far simpler just to give crayons to a room full of drunk 5 year old boys and make a script out of whatever drawings they come up with. ‘A robot stabbing a dragon with a sword made of explosions! That’s our big emotional third act right there!’
Step 3. Boner-fuel.
Your lead actress has quit and you were counting on basing fully half of the screentime on slow-motion shots of her ass. Instead of worrying about the fact that the star of ‘Jonah Hex’ suddenly has too much creative dignity to be in your movie simply just replace her with that pleasure-robot that you had built. Sure it still hasn’t been programmed to display human emotions but give it a British accent, it will trick people into thinking it is classy while you’re slowly zooming in on her breasts.
Step 4. Leading man.
Shia LaBoeuf has been enjoyable in other movies. You’re going to want him to cut that shit out right now! He’s there to yell ‘Nonononononono!’ over and over and just generally scream in the backround while more interesting things are happening.  Show him the size of his paycheck and tell him to get back to being a whiney unlikeable vagina immediately.
Step 5: Explosions!
'Nuff said.
Step 6: Cinematography.
Remember to only hire drunk cameramen suffering from Parkinson’s disease to shoot your action scenes. Under no circumstances should your audience be able to tell what is going on.
Bonus tip! Combine steps 5 and 6!
 Why?
Because fuck epileptics that’s why!
Step 7:  Romance.
Bury your face back in your cocaine mountain because now you have to come up with the romantic sub-plot. This is gay so it’s actually much easier to just regurgitate the same romantic sub-plot from the last two films even if it has little bearing on what’s actually going on.
Step 8. Casting.
Use your pact with Satan to force great actors like Alan Tudyk and John Malkovich into this piece of shit.
Step 9. Product Placement.
Your movie is going to make billions of dollars either way but be sure to shamelessly use product placement into your movie as much as possible anyway. Don’t be subtle about it either, get your lead character to log onto a product’s web page and actually listen to a short advert for it. Have the actress playing the Chief of Intelligence for the CIA step into a pair of Nike runners in the middle of a scene for absolutely no fucking reason. Really shove it down the audience’s throats.
Step 10: Characterisation and Dialogue.
What are you some kind of fag?
Step 11. More explosions.
 Always remember: explosions >plot
Step 12. Racism.
 Make your black characters one dimensional stereotypes. Make sure you have a fat black man say ‘Awww Hell Naww!’ at least twice.  Have the robots blow up some brown people for absolutely no reason.

Pictured: An accurate representation of all black people.
Step 13: Inexplicable success.
Relax in your cocaine mansion as your golden pleasure bots massage you in your money Jacuzzi. You’ve earned it

More T.V/Movie posts:
(Presumably) How 'Jack & Jill' was allowed to happen.
A Break-up letter to television.
Reviewing the new 'Jersey Shore' trailer (For some reason).