Alas, Zug.com is no more! It shut up shop there late last month. The people in charge were nice enough to give me and my fellow contributors permission to post our Zug pieces on our own personal sites for the foreseeable future until they figure out what to do with them.
The following piece was originally published on Zug.com and is the property of the lovely people over at Mediashower.
It's been a rough couple of years for college graduates. Back in high school we were promised that a college education would guarantee us all high-paying and glamorous careers, and yet every year more and more bright-eyed, hopeful twenty-somethings are released into the real world only to learn that their bachelors in Humanities and Arts are good for nothing except provoking gales of laughter from interviewers.
"And then she said that she'd minored in Philosophy..."
Even I, a devastatingly attractive and modest Internet writer with a science degree, am having trouble finding satisfying work. Which is why, like thousands of other man-children, I'm going back to college to get a second degree.
Going back to college to work on your masters or get another, more practical, degree is a very popular course of action these days. Not only does it give you an edge when you do go back into the job market but it also conveniently postpones entering the real, terrifying world for another 3 or 4 years.
"That's right, I'm just going to stay here in my safe, library-womb forever"
But where to go? My Alma Mater politely declined my application for re-admission stating that they felt I had learned all I could from them already and there was nothing left for them to teach me. There was also something about the $90,000 in library fines that I still owed. But it was mostly the "nothing left to teach me" thing.
I got really stressed during finals. Let's not talk about it.
I would need to look elsewhere.
Luckily for me I found the perfect place to continue my education. A place where not only could I meet new and interesting people and free my mind from the shackles of ignorance but where I could also learn how to murder someone with my mind. This magical place was the University of Metaphysical Sciences!
If you saw this picture and didn't immediately want to enroll then there is something very wrong with you.
You see, the more I thought about it the more I felt that, although a degree in Business or Engineering would probably help guarantee me a career in the future, they wouldn't allow me curse my enemies with unsightly boils. That's where UMS comes in.
The University of Metaphysical Sciences offers courses in things like Witchcraft, Psychic Skills and Astrology. If its website is in any way accurate (and I have no reason to suspect that it isn't) then it's pretty much a mix between Hogwarts and the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters.
I couldn't wait to take "Lightning Godding 101" with professor Raiden
Apparently it has actual classes in places like California and Minnesota, but fortunately for my magical Irish ass, it also offers online courses. So last week I decided to see what kind of magical powers I could get for the low, low price of just $15 and signed up for some courses.
I signed up for the online equivalent of Hogwarts, the University of Metaphysical Sciences, in order to learn how to access my untapped magical powers and psychic potential... and all for the low low price of $15.99. Over the last week I've taken these supernatural courses and graded myself on my progress. Check out part one here.
I was now a UMS fightin' unicorn.
Course 1: Witchcraft
My Witchcraft course was delivered to me not, to my disappointment, by an owl and written on an ancient scroll but rather as a 24 page long PDF document via email. My new professor in this exciting field was someone called Nova Love, which sounded less like a witch's name and more like a porno set in space.
In fact, I'm almost positive it was the working title for Barbarella.
The first few pages were a literature review: a list of books that we were encouraged to borrow or purchase in order to give us a fuller understanding of the course. I mostly skipped through this bit because, if I managed to get through my actual degree without doing any external reading there was no way I needed to buy something called "Sacred Art, Sacred Earth" to get through a five-dollar online course.
Actually I'm glad that I didn't skip through this part entirely because it did teach me one important thing: That the names of these real-life witches and wizards were more hilarious than anything J.K Rowling could come up with.
As well as proffessor Nove Love the reading list included awesome names like Oberon Zell Ravenheart, Cerridwen Fallingstar and Starhawk.
If you go around calling yourself Starhawk then you damn well better look like this.
After I'd stopped laughing at "Starhawk" I skipped ahead to the part where they got around to teaching us how to do some actual spells.
First, I would apparently need some candles which, according to the good professor, "act as energetic markers, denoting the presence of nonvisible energies such as the higher self, elementals or divinies". This was news to me as I had previously categorized them as "the things I light in the bathroom to get rid of the smell".
If the number of scented candles is an indication of mystical energy built up, then every girl I met in college lives in the supernatural equivalent of Three Mile Island.
This cake could take out half of Manhattan.
The course also suggested using figurines, as they can apparently also be used to channel divinities and higher powers. I didn't have many clay depictions of medieval spirits lying around so I substituted them with my Batman and Wolverine action figures.
I was also pretty sure that any higher powers drawn to Bruce and Logan would be total badasses.
After scanning through the theoretical stuff for a solid five minutes, I knew that it was time for a practical test of my magical powers. Clearly in order for this to work I would need an awesome magic name, and after scanning some of the other famous mystics, I decided to christen myself "Eagle Riftfucker"
I started with an energy channelling exercise. Partly because these energies were supposed to be positive and creative forces but mostly because the literature described it as "creating a ball of energy in your cupped hands," which I think you'll find is the dictionary-definition of a Hadouken.
Pictured: "positive and creative forces"
I lit my candles, placed my sacred figurines at key points in a circle and started the exercise, making sure that I had cleared my mind of all negative thoughts and repeated my sacred mantra over and over again.
"Quarter-circle, forward, punch. Quarter-circle, forward, punch. Quarter-circle, forward, punch"
Grade: C+
Okay so sitting shirtless, surrounded by candles and action figures did not produce any balls of energy but my magical ritual did have the mystical side-effect of making my roommate move out immediately. That's a sign that there's at least some power there.
Course 2: Dolphin Healing
I won't lie, while UMS offers a whole host of weird and wonderful courses, as soon as I clapped eyes on "Dolphin Healing," I knew that I had to make it part of my life. Quite frankly, if you're the kind of person that doesn't immediately jump at the chance to become a qualified dolphin healer then you're not someone I care to know.
What I hoped dolphin healing would involve.
I was legitimately excited when I opened this course document. What was Dolphin Healing? I had images of myself magically healing dolphins from wounds like some sort of Aquaman with a veterinary degree.
Sadly that wasn't the case, the course started out by describing how swimming with dolphins can be calming for those who suffer from mental disabilities or have been traumatized in some way.
Sigh...one day...
In all seriousness, this is actually a real and fascinating field of study, but instead of engaging in a philosophical discussion about how and why engaging with a friendly, intelligent animal is beneficial for those with traumatic experiences or developmental disorders, the author of this piece jumps to the conclusion that dolphins are magic.
The same conclusion that every 14 year old girl comes to eventually.
I kind of suspected I wasn't in for an in-depth course of marine biology and its applications for rehabilitation when the professor spent a couple of pages explaining why dolphins and whales are so much more intelligent than humans.
The problem with that statement is that it's sort of half-true, in that anyone who believes that dolphins are smarter than humans automatically proves themselves right by being less intelligent than most plant life, let alone aquatic mammals.
Needless to say, if we were less intelligent than whales and dolphins, then we'd all be laboring in the sardine mines right now beneath the whips of our cruel, bottlenosed masters.
I don't mean to re-use this pic but if dolphins are the smart ones in this scenario then I'm worried about where they're taking that man.
She then goes on to theorize that dolphins are so advanced that they are actually able to access multiple dimensions and are capable of experiencing multiple of realities at once.
Apparently, the fact that they live in highly organized communities and have an advanced sonar language is irrefutable proof that all dolphins are basically like the cast of Sliders.
A day without without a needlessly obscure TV show reference is like a day without sunshine.
Grade: D-
This was a tough course for me since I actually live about a four-hour drive from the part of my country where dolphins are found. As such I wasn't really able to interact with the dolphins in any way beyond watching Flipper on Netflix.
Still, I'm not giving myself a fail because the course explicitly states that I should not crowd the dolphin or invade it's space. I pulled off this aspect of the course spectacularly
Last week, I enrolled myself in an online supernatural university. I've taken several mystical courses and I'm using them to harness my latent mystical abilities. So far I've learned that dolphins are dimension-hopping supergeniuses and that modern witches and wizards have bitchin' names. Read Part One andPart Two.
Now read on for the continued adventures of Eagle Riftfucker!
Course 3: Psychic Skills
Now I'm no stranger to psychic activity, having investigated an online nest of them for this very site only a few months ago. But now I was going one step further, learning how to master their techniques and powers so that I might better understand them... and possibly find out how to read women's minds.
By this stage, I was an experienced UMS student, a senior if you will, I now knew to skip the first few pages of the PDF file as it was all just boring technobabble designed to deter those who were not worthy of the knowledge hidden further within and also to sell books to the gullible.
No, I skipped straight to the "How to Develop Your Own Psychic Abilities Section," deciding to attempt a psychokinesis exercise because it was the one that looked most likely to allow me to smite my enemies.
Kind of what I was hoping for.
For this exercise, I was to place a candle in an enclosed room, free of drafts and air currents, and then sit in front of it, staring at the flame. The aim being, through a force of will, to force the flame to burn sideways instead of vertically.
Note: If you can do this then you're probably the Antichrist.
This did not go well for me. I don't know if you've ever stared directly into a candle flame before, but it kind of scorches your retinas with the fury of a thousand suns after a while. Also, I only had a scented candle available, and since I was in a room with no drafts or air currents, the fumes quickly filled the room and gave me a headache.
This is all I see when I shut my eyes.
The flame did move eventually though! But only because I sort of wafted it as I passed out.
Grade: F
Now I have to say I didn't fail because I managed to scorch a hole in my retinas and get woozy on sandlewood fumes. The course is very clear that, even if you fail spectacularly to display any psychic ability, it doesn't mean you're not psychic.
That would mean that Uri Gellar is full of shit. And that can't possibly be true!
No, I failed because according to the literature, in order to access your full psychic potential, you absolutely need to remove these thought processes from your mind:
1. That doesn't make sense.
2. That isn't logical.
3. That is just made up.
4. It simply isn't possible to know for sure what will happen in the future.
5. That can't be right.
6. This isn't realistic.
7. This is silly.
And unfortunately I was thinking absolutely all of these the whole time.
Course 4: House Healing for Ghost Hunters.
If there is one thing in this world that I want to be more than a dark wizard/psychic/Aquaman, it's Bill Murray's character in Ghostbusters. This course gave me the opportunity to do just that.
Behold mortals, the coolest man in the universe.
And also, as narratively convenient luck would have it, my mom had been complaining lately that the upstairs bathroom in her house was unnaturally cold and eerie; a sure sign of paranormal activity if I'd ever heard one.
So in an attempt to save my parents from malevolent spectral vengeance, and also look as cool as Dr. Peter Venkman while doing it, I started learning the mystic arts of the Ghost Whisperers.
Preferably this particular Ghost Whisperer
Unfortunately, UMS continued to disappoint me as there were no sections devoted to making hilarious jokes while simultaneously banishing the forces of evil and seducing a young Sigourney Weaver.
The course did outline however the four main methods of removing a recalcitrant spirit from someone's home (sadly none of them involved the use of a proton pack).
The 4 main methods being:
1. Cleansing
2. Healing
3. Parenting
4. Asking for Help.
The cleansing method involves cleaning the house that's being haunted, physically...like with Lysol and a dustbuster. Yeah apparently an expert in this field believes that "physically starting to clean in the closets and getting rid of old junk while mentally getting rid of negative leftover dust which is a way of describing old energy that has built up over time". This was when I started to suspect that this whole course might really have all been elaborate ruse of my Mam's to get me to clean the bathroom.
"French maid by day, exorcist by night"...Hollywood give me a call. I'm all over this!
However I suspected that cleaning our bathroom would require a more powerful exorcist than me so I skipped to the next method.
The next method, healing, would require me to use the healing energies of Reiki to heal the ghost of its malice and confusion and send it on to the afterlife. Unfortunately Reiki is a separate course that costs another five bucks and, while I have a history of spending vast amounts of money on an education that would prove ultimately useless in the real world, I felt that I'd already given these people too much of my money already. So healing was out as well. The next method intrigued me though .
"Parenting"? Was this for use against those weird creepy child ghosts that they had over in Japan? Would this lead me to adopting a rambunctious pair of ghost children and having wacky adventures?
"Poltergeist Parenting". Coming soon to Fox!
No, as it turns out, the parenting technique is all about ordering the ghost to do what you tell it, in much the same way an angry or disappointed parent would tell off an unruly child. I decided that this probably wouldn't work on the ghost haunting our loo either since I'd lived in that house for over 20 years and if the words of an angry or disappointed parents were ghost kryptonite then this one probably would have exploded around the time of that whole "I want to be an Internet writer" conversation a couple of years ago.
That's if the "broken vase" fiasco from two years earlier hadn't finished it off
No, it looked like I was going to have to pick method 4, asking from help from a higher force like a spirit guide or a guardian angel, basically the exorcism equivalent of tagging your older brother into a fight.
I'm hoping my guardian angel is slightly less effeminate or else I'm in trouble.
With this in mind I cautiously edged into the bathroom to confront the ghost. The course suggested I use tools like a Ouija board or pendulum to communicate with the spirit but I'm not a 14-year-old goth girl so I don't own any of those things.
I was pretty sure that a scented candle would be suitably mystic though and luckily there were a few of them already in there anyway.
I lit the candle and tried to summon my guardian angel. Then I prepared to engage in an epic battle of wills with this ghostly invader...
Grade: A+
Full disclosure,I got bored after five minutes of the "epic battle of wills" thing and decided to give the cleansing technique a go since I was in there anyway. While I was cleaning I noticed that the rubber seal around the window fixture had come away and was letting in the wind, which was what was causing our bathroom to be so unnaturally cold.
After I sealed back up the window I was overcome with the sense that this act had eased the pain of a tormented soul as her unfinished business was dealt with.
Okay , yes technically the "tormented soul" was my Mom and it was only "unfinished business" because I'd promised to draught-proof the house two months ago but fuck it! I'm calling it a win anyway.
